I'm just as much pro-women's rights as anybody, but a few things I was thinking while reading this:
1) "grab your ass" comment happened in Maui, which I'm assuming is not on work premises or during a work-related event. In cases like this a simple "please keep your comments to yourself. I don't feel comfortable with you saying this." would be appropriate and I think respected. It nips the issue in the bud. Pouring a drink on someone is not necessarily the best way to communicate that. And next time don't accept the invitation if you don't feel comfortable around them. In my experience it's not common that this sort of comment will be made without some level of prior assurance (flirting?) that the comment wasn't entirely inappropriate.
2) claims "let me be in a position where I couldn't be promoted" but without details. This sounds like paranoia to me. I have never heard of a company explicitly denying promotions to people in certain positions. Google is in the internet business, but most importantly they're in the business of making money. If you prove that you're valuable to them making money, then you're valuable to the company. Bottom-line.
As a side-note, Google has just as much of a responsibility to the other employee to get the story straight. Allegedly nothing was done to reprimand the perpetrator. This is likely because 3rd party observers (also Google employees?) probably provided 3rd party testimony that it was no big deal which would likely help as a deciding factor. Of course they likely told the guy not to let it happen again. If there's no 3rd party testimony and it's not on premises or at a work-function what do you expect your employer to do about it?
Another point I would make is that the paranoia could be because people stopped interacting with her as often or inviting her to social gatherings. What you don't think about necessarily is that people will stop talking to you if they think you'll accuse them of something or if you're overly sensitive. It's human nature. I don't want to offend someone if they're overly sensitive, and it's less fun being around people like that, so if I'm just socializing I'm going to be considerate and NOT invite them to social gatherings because I don't want you to be offended. After all I can't control what others will say or do when we're out having a drink.
3) "you look amazing in that bathing suit" seems like an attempt to flatter someone. I didn't know they wear bathing suits to work at Google :) It's what guys do to girls. They compliment them. And girls generally accept the flattery and say thank you. If you don't like that it's fine, just let people know and they more than likely will be happy to oblige.
4) "drinks after work". This is again a situation outside of work. You're not required to be there. If you find that it's not a social circle you want to be a part of you don't have to be. I do get that social settings is where you can establish deeper levels of trust with people within an organization, and so that can be perceived as a roadblock to advancement. In this case I can't see how Google the organization can legally control this, except to work on balancing the ratios. But that is also not necessarily a gender-related issue. Girls don't get along with girls in social settings also at comparable ratios if not more often. But if the organization you're a part of is controlled by people with personalities you don't mesh well with, and you can't be moved laterally within the organization then it's time to move on. If someone finds it hard to get along with most people within an organization it is always worth the time it takes to self-reflect to determine if it's your issue and not theirs. Especially in a company as large as Google.
5) Unrelated, but similar situation. A past co-worker complained in a meeting they felt awkward when we used the word "penetration". We were an internet marketing company, so "market penetration" is a common term within the industry. But to satisfy her wishes we did our best to stop using the term. No questions asked. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Market_penetration] I can assure you no one in the meeting was thinking of that other kind of "penetration" but her.
3) "you look amazing in that bathing suit" seems like an attempt to flatter someone. I didn't know they wear bathing suits to work at Google :) It's what guys do to girls. They compliment them. And girls generally accept the flattery and say thank you. If you don't like that it's fine, just let people know and they more than likely will be happy to
Do not "flatter" people on their appearance unless they are a family member or close friend.
I agree to a point. I think the general rules of thumb would be more along the lines of, "don't flatter someone in a suggestive or inappropriate way". Some people work very hard on their appearance. I would go so far as to say it (their looks) is, to a large extent, who they are. That's not to say they are necessarily shallow people either. They find pleasure and take pride in keeping up with their looks and overall aesthetic. So if you're out and meet someone who might be a friend of a friend / co-worker, or a co-worker from another department who you may not have met before, if they look like they've gone above and beyond to look good, they more often than not will appreciate the compliments. If you don't look like you've put all that effort into your looks (which is not to say you purposefully try to look ugly) more often than not you will not receive those compliments.
You are wrong. It is not appropriate to comment on another person's appearance if that person works for you, or works with you. (Unless their appearance falls below whatever minimum standard your company has).
Women do not appreciate those comments. By making those comments you are being creepy and unacceptable.
At work yes. I was under the impression we were talking about social settings outside of work with co-workers. Since none of the scenarios from the OP appeared to have happened at work. Or at least that's the case with all the scenarios I cited in my original comment.
I don't see why compliments of one's appearance outside of work must be off limits. As long as they're not inappropriate or suggestive. It's a common courtesy in some social circles. And I'm also not against women complimenting men on their appearance, or women complimenting women or men complimenting men. I'm an equal opportunity complimenter :)
Now if they report directly to you yes I agree it's inappropriate and boundaries need to be in place. But I didn't get the impression that was the case.
And for the record I'm not talking about "cat calls". That's inappropriate in all cases.
After further reflection, in some sick perverted way, I can see how some people might interpret all forms of flattery / compliment as having some ulterior motive or inextricably linked to a man's desire to conquer or take advantage of females.
I just see compliments and flattery (if done right) as an attempt by one human to bring a little joy to another human's day by saying something nice to them. Why does it have to be more than that? Even if you're not family or close friends. If you're with a group of people and you think someone has gone above and beyond to put themselves together for the evening, I see no harm in that.
On a slightly more personal note (to fend off what may be perceived as a male-oriented view of this where we're always the aggressor). After work one night when I was younger, a large group of co-workers went into town to a bar for some drinks. We were all pretty much lit up by the end of the night and decided to split a taxi. I ended up sitting next to a female co-worker. In no particularly suggestive way I asked if I could lay my head down in her lap for the ride because I was tired. Moments later when I was comfortable (head facing straight up) she proceeded to lean over so as to smash her breasts into my face and then started making out with me. I didn't want to make a big scene at the time, and we were pretty drunk, so I went with it.
This, obviously, is far more suggestive and invasive than words. But I'm a heterosexual guy. This actually happened. I didn't feel violated. I didn't feel I needed to address it. I couldn't breathe for a second, but other than that I was fine. We continued to be friends and co-workers. She was embarrassed when I told her the next day that I didn't want to pursue things, but everything was fine. I continued to respect her just as if nothing had happened between us. No need to get our company involved. I don't know about her, but for me everything was just as normal as before but it didn't happen again because we were on the same page after that.
Comments
I'm just as much pro-women's rights as anybody, but a few things I was thinking while reading this:
1) "grab your ass" comment happened in Maui, which I'm assuming is not on work premises or during a work-related event. In cases like this a simple "please keep your comments to yourself. I don't feel comfortable with you saying this." would be appropriate and I think respected. It nips the issue in the bud. Pouring a drink on someone is not necessarily the best way to communicate that. And next time don't accept the invitation if you don't feel comfortable around them. In my experience it's not common that this sort of comment will be made without some level of prior assurance (flirting?) that the comment wasn't entirely inappropriate.
2) claims "let me be in a position where I couldn't be promoted" but without details. This sounds like paranoia to me. I have never heard of a company explicitly denying promotions to people in certain positions. Google is in the internet business, but most importantly they're in the business of making money. If you prove that you're valuable to them making money, then you're valuable to the company. Bottom-line.
As a side-note, Google has just as much of a responsibility to the other employee to get the story straight. Allegedly nothing was done to reprimand the perpetrator. This is likely because 3rd party observers (also Google employees?) probably provided 3rd party testimony that it was no big deal which would likely help as a deciding factor. Of course they likely told the guy not to let it happen again. If there's no 3rd party testimony and it's not on premises or at a work-function what do you expect your employer to do about it?
Another point I would make is that the paranoia could be because people stopped interacting with her as often or inviting her to social gatherings. What you don't think about necessarily is that people will stop talking to you if they think you'll accuse them of something or if you're overly sensitive. It's human nature. I don't want to offend someone if they're overly sensitive, and it's less fun being around people like that, so if I'm just socializing I'm going to be considerate and NOT invite them to social gatherings because I don't want you to be offended. After all I can't control what others will say or do when we're out having a drink.
3) "you look amazing in that bathing suit" seems like an attempt to flatter someone. I didn't know they wear bathing suits to work at Google :) It's what guys do to girls. They compliment them. And girls generally accept the flattery and say thank you. If you don't like that it's fine, just let people know and they more than likely will be happy to oblige.
4) "drinks after work". This is again a situation outside of work. You're not required to be there. If you find that it's not a social circle you want to be a part of you don't have to be. I do get that social settings is where you can establish deeper levels of trust with people within an organization, and so that can be perceived as a roadblock to advancement. In this case I can't see how Google the organization can legally control this, except to work on balancing the ratios. But that is also not necessarily a gender-related issue. Girls don't get along with girls in social settings also at comparable ratios if not more often. But if the organization you're a part of is controlled by people with personalities you don't mesh well with, and you can't be moved laterally within the organization then it's time to move on. If someone finds it hard to get along with most people within an organization it is always worth the time it takes to self-reflect to determine if it's your issue and not theirs. Especially in a company as large as Google.
5) Unrelated, but similar situation. A past co-worker complained in a meeting they felt awkward when we used the word "penetration". We were an internet marketing company, so "market penetration" is a common term within the industry. But to satisfy her wishes we did our best to stop using the term. No questions asked. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Market_penetration] I can assure you no one in the meeting was thinking of that other kind of "penetration" but her.
Do not "flatter" people on their appearance unless they are a family member or close friend.
I agree to a point. I think the general rules of thumb would be more along the lines of, "don't flatter someone in a suggestive or inappropriate way". Some people work very hard on their appearance. I would go so far as to say it (their looks) is, to a large extent, who they are. That's not to say they are necessarily shallow people either. They find pleasure and take pride in keeping up with their looks and overall aesthetic. So if you're out and meet someone who might be a friend of a friend / co-worker, or a co-worker from another department who you may not have met before, if they look like they've gone above and beyond to look good, they more often than not will appreciate the compliments. If you don't look like you've put all that effort into your looks (which is not to say you purposefully try to look ugly) more often than not you will not receive those compliments.
You are wrong. It is not appropriate to comment on another person's appearance if that person works for you, or works with you. (Unless their appearance falls below whatever minimum standard your company has).
Women do not appreciate those comments. By making those comments you are being creepy and unacceptable.
At work yes. I was under the impression we were talking about social settings outside of work with co-workers. Since none of the scenarios from the OP appeared to have happened at work. Or at least that's the case with all the scenarios I cited in my original comment.
I don't see why compliments of one's appearance outside of work must be off limits. As long as they're not inappropriate or suggestive. It's a common courtesy in some social circles. And I'm also not against women complimenting men on their appearance, or women complimenting women or men complimenting men. I'm an equal opportunity complimenter :)
Now if they report directly to you yes I agree it's inappropriate and boundaries need to be in place. But I didn't get the impression that was the case.
And for the record I'm not talking about "cat calls". That's inappropriate in all cases.
After further reflection, in some sick perverted way, I can see how some people might interpret all forms of flattery / compliment as having some ulterior motive or inextricably linked to a man's desire to conquer or take advantage of females.
I just see compliments and flattery (if done right) as an attempt by one human to bring a little joy to another human's day by saying something nice to them. Why does it have to be more than that? Even if you're not family or close friends. If you're with a group of people and you think someone has gone above and beyond to put themselves together for the evening, I see no harm in that.
On a slightly more personal note (to fend off what may be perceived as a male-oriented view of this where we're always the aggressor). After work one night when I was younger, a large group of co-workers went into town to a bar for some drinks. We were all pretty much lit up by the end of the night and decided to split a taxi. I ended up sitting next to a female co-worker. In no particularly suggestive way I asked if I could lay my head down in her lap for the ride because I was tired. Moments later when I was comfortable (head facing straight up) she proceeded to lean over so as to smash her breasts into my face and then started making out with me. I didn't want to make a big scene at the time, and we were pretty drunk, so I went with it.
This, obviously, is far more suggestive and invasive than words. But I'm a heterosexual guy. This actually happened. I didn't feel violated. I didn't feel I needed to address it. I couldn't breathe for a second, but other than that I was fine. We continued to be friends and co-workers. She was embarrassed when I told her the next day that I didn't want to pursue things, but everything was fine. I continued to respect her just as if nothing had happened between us. No need to get our company involved. I don't know about her, but for me everything was just as normal as before but it didn't happen again because we were on the same page after that.