I am always astounded by those who don't have very good "people skills." I guess I take mine for granted.
As much I'd like to say that these tips should be common sense, I have begun to recognize that for many people, social skills need to be practiced.
I'd like to add a Tip 0: Be brave. Recognize that both parties feel an unease and that ultimately someone has to make the first move. I promise you will be happy it was you.
For me, I can get very well with anybody, specially strangers who I share nothing with. The people I have problem with are shy/timid/sensitive people. And sadly, they're almost always fellow software developers. As soon as we stop talking about hacking we have almost nothing in common.
If I could do it, I would force every fellow hacker to work for a month as a bouncer at a night club. Get yelled at, get cursed out, get pushed and shoved, get a thicker skin and some street sense.
You will notice that cocky business types[1] and jocks have something in common; they're infallible to themselves. However wrong they are, they speak with bone-headed authority. Now imagine if knowledgeable people were able to push their wisdom with such authority? Develop a fierce fighter, go-getter attitude and you will live a full richer life. Introspection is good when you're still developing your moral system or reflecting on, well, your beliefs. But once you have something you're convinced of, go out there and preach it.
--
[1] I don't want to generalize the "business types"; not all suits are alike. A good chunk of them are push-overs who speak with a script and you can easily run them over. Others are brown-noses yes-men; slimey, very slimey, and best kept away. The type I have in mind are your typical, successful lead salesmen. Yeah, those guys, snap them out of their sales pitch by disqualifying yourself as a potential buyer, then twist the discussion and try to "flip them" (i.e. get them to work for you, or talk to them as a peer and talk shop, etc.) those guys are very interesting.
I would be interested in something that worked the other way around: is there a way to teach stupid, wrong, brave people timidity, without psychologically scarring them?
the only thing that ever worked for me is a wig and a cocktail dress... suddenly I get all demure and coy .... the problem is I end up psychologically scarring anyone who makes the mistake of catching my eye!
..... ahem
EDIT: besides the flippant humour of the remark I was trying to make a point of gender identities and social profiles when it comes to interaction. It can be surprisingly easy to pick out the "Alpha" and those more subservient or devious when watching a conversation. I wouldn't be surprised at all if speech conventions had a very strict social hierarchy attributed to meaningful measures such as confidence and deviousness.
As sort of a related tip, one thing that I like to do (and which usually works) is to treat the person like someone I've known for a while. In other words, say some things that most people would only say with a friend. There's a limit to what's appropriate, obviously, but I find that gently pushing the boundaries really helps the person you're talking with feel comfortable and start treating you like an old friend.
Everyone can improve. It's the least-skilled people who are most eager to improve, because someone with plenty of friends doesn't as keenly regret not "clicking" with another person and is less likely to blame himself for it, but nobody has perfect people skills. To pull numbers out of thin air, I think 75% of the people in any large city would be unable to make small talk with 75% of the people in the city they live in. (That includes children, teenagers, older people, homemakers, day laborers, everybody.) If they felt inclined to broaden their ability to schmooze, these tips would help.
I like your Tip 0. Sometimes the other person seems to be intentionally hanging you out to dry, but they're really thinking, "Gosh, at least this guy is trying to make conversation. I'm just standing here like an idiot, not helping at all."
> I am always astounded by those who don't have very good "people skills."
Perhaps they don't have "the skills" because they don't think they need them. Spending 10 minutes of one's life chit-chatting with a complete stranger feels like a waste of time to me.
But what if that stranger turns out to be another hacker? An entrepreneur? What if you hit it off really well with that stranger and end up being great friends? What if that person ends up getting you your next job?
Granted, the probability any of the above happening is quite low, but just having a chat with someone when you're, say, waiting for a bus is not going to waste your time. You don't have to actively seek out strangers to talk to.
BTW, when it comes to social skills, I give myself 1 out of 10.
to me, "whoring" myself around socially has always been about practice and experience of other minds. I like to talk and often bore my friends to tears trying to refine my stock of "interesting things" to babble about, to the point where I sometimes don't get the feedback I require. So just throwing it out there with a complete stranger while having a rollie outside a club can be surprisingly profitable.
Comments
I am always astounded by those who don't have very good "people skills." I guess I take mine for granted.
As much I'd like to say that these tips should be common sense, I have begun to recognize that for many people, social skills need to be practiced.
I'd like to add a Tip 0: Be brave. Recognize that both parties feel an unease and that ultimately someone has to make the first move. I promise you will be happy it was you.
For me, I can get very well with anybody, specially strangers who I share nothing with. The people I have problem with are shy/timid/sensitive people. And sadly, they're almost always fellow software developers. As soon as we stop talking about hacking we have almost nothing in common.
If I could do it, I would force every fellow hacker to work for a month as a bouncer at a night club. Get yelled at, get cursed out, get pushed and shoved, get a thicker skin and some street sense.
You will notice that cocky business types[1] and jocks have something in common; they're infallible to themselves. However wrong they are, they speak with bone-headed authority. Now imagine if knowledgeable people were able to push their wisdom with such authority? Develop a fierce fighter, go-getter attitude and you will live a full richer life. Introspection is good when you're still developing your moral system or reflecting on, well, your beliefs. But once you have something you're convinced of, go out there and preach it.
--
[1] I don't want to generalize the "business types"; not all suits are alike. A good chunk of them are push-overs who speak with a script and you can easily run them over. Others are brown-noses yes-men; slimey, very slimey, and best kept away. The type I have in mind are your typical, successful lead salesmen. Yeah, those guys, snap them out of their sales pitch by disqualifying yourself as a potential buyer, then twist the discussion and try to "flip them" (i.e. get them to work for you, or talk to them as a peer and talk shop, etc.) those guys are very interesting.
I would be interested in something that worked the other way around: is there a way to teach stupid, wrong, brave people timidity, without psychologically scarring them?
the only thing that ever worked for me is a wig and a cocktail dress... suddenly I get all demure and coy .... the problem is I end up psychologically scarring anyone who makes the mistake of catching my eye!
..... ahem
EDIT: besides the flippant humour of the remark I was trying to make a point of gender identities and social profiles when it comes to interaction. It can be surprisingly easy to pick out the "Alpha" and those more subservient or devious when watching a conversation. I wouldn't be surprised at all if speech conventions had a very strict social hierarchy attributed to meaningful measures such as confidence and deviousness.
As sort of a related tip, one thing that I like to do (and which usually works) is to treat the person like someone I've known for a while. In other words, say some things that most people would only say with a friend. There's a limit to what's appropriate, obviously, but I find that gently pushing the boundaries really helps the person you're talking with feel comfortable and start treating you like an old friend.
Everyone can improve. It's the least-skilled people who are most eager to improve, because someone with plenty of friends doesn't as keenly regret not "clicking" with another person and is less likely to blame himself for it, but nobody has perfect people skills. To pull numbers out of thin air, I think 75% of the people in any large city would be unable to make small talk with 75% of the people in the city they live in. (That includes children, teenagers, older people, homemakers, day laborers, everybody.) If they felt inclined to broaden their ability to schmooze, these tips would help.
I like your Tip 0. Sometimes the other person seems to be intentionally hanging you out to dry, but they're really thinking, "Gosh, at least this guy is trying to make conversation. I'm just standing here like an idiot, not helping at all."
> I am always astounded by those who don't have very good "people skills."
Perhaps they don't have "the skills" because they don't think they need them. Spending 10 minutes of one's life chit-chatting with a complete stranger feels like a waste of time to me.
But what if that stranger turns out to be another hacker? An entrepreneur? What if you hit it off really well with that stranger and end up being great friends? What if that person ends up getting you your next job?
Granted, the probability any of the above happening is quite low, but just having a chat with someone when you're, say, waiting for a bus is not going to waste your time. You don't have to actively seek out strangers to talk to.
BTW, when it comes to social skills, I give myself 1 out of 10.
to me, "whoring" myself around socially has always been about practice and experience of other minds. I like to talk and often bore my friends to tears trying to refine my stock of "interesting things" to babble about, to the point where I sometimes don't get the feedback I require. So just throwing it out there with a complete stranger while having a rollie outside a club can be surprisingly profitable.
Still, that is the way complete strangers become something else than that.