Kind of an odd article, the writer spends the first part of it trying to come up with compliments, which usually fail.
Instead of manufacturing a compliment, just pay attention and realize what you think looks nice, what you like, or what you think is cool. Instead of holding back and not saying anything, which I think is what a lot of us do, tell them.
If the person has a funny shirt on and it brightens your day, say 'I really like your shirt.'
Instead of trying to compliment somebody, just try to appreciate them, and then relax enough to tell them what you appreciate.
A compliment you manufacture for the sake of giving a compliment will probably come across as stilted and fake.
Actually, according to Cialdini's Influence, complimenting works even when people understand that it is, in fact, flattery: "First, the evaluator who provided only praise was liked best by the men. Second, this was the case even though the men fully realized that the flatterer stood to gain from their liking him. Finally, unlike the other types of comments, pure praise did not have to be accurate to work. Positive comments produced just as much liking for the flatterer when they were untrue as when they were true." [1]
[1] Specifically, he cites Drachman et al. (1978) study.
So, does that mean you are worse off providing genuine feedback if it is negative, if it is in your best interest to just flatter someone with false goodiness?
> Kind of an odd article, the writer spends the first part of it trying to come up with compliments, which usually fail.
Personally I thought that part was hilarious. I'm not sure whether it was true or not (due to how naive it made the author seem) but I definitely enjoyed the article more because of it.
It came off like comment spam a bit to me. "I really like your insights!" or "This blog is great, I'll come back again soon." I guess you won't be able to compliment everyone or the cynical, but it was a good attempt and I think you'll be a great complimenter soon.
I've found it's even better to look for things you like (as you say), and then not say anything about it.
They'll sense you're well-disposed towards them because you are well-disposed towards them. You'll also feel happier, having noticed something you like.
How about, "I find your wife/daughter/mother really attractive?" Bad things can happen if you tell people what you think.
It's important to be precise when giving public social advice, because the people that could benefit from it the most don't know how to tease out hidden subtleties (that seem obvious to everyone else). If what you really mean is, "nothing bad will happen if you just tell people what you think and have at least roughly average social skills" you should just say the whole thing.
Check back with us in a dozen years and tell us how many relationships you have destroyed. Somewhere in Ecclesiastes is the verse "There is a time to speak, and a time to keep silent." I don't think you have to be devoted to the Bible to agree with that one.
It's a practice truly strange to tell people exactly how you feel or exactly what is on your mind; however, it definitely leads to some truly sincere compliments.
No no no no. Absolutely not. Not, especially if its positive. Generally, only if its positive. I'm a slightly cynical person, so if I told people everything I thought, I'd probably be out of friends by now.
Perhaps all of the people who now are your friends might no longer be you friends, but your new habit could've brought you new friends who respect you for your candor, even if it is slightly cynical.
I have one friend who tells everyone what she thinks with no apparent filter.
Besides me, she has maybe two or three other people who like her company.
Nor are her opinions that noxious--usually she just says out loud very blunt versions of what half of the people are thinking. But you can easily imagine personalities with an even lower batting average.
It's why alcohol makes social stuff easier - lowered inhibitions.
It is only an illusion that it is "easier". It makes you feel better simply because it removes the ability to recognize the negatives of your actions.
As to the advice that nothing bad will happen, that's dangerous advice. Tell coworkers what you think and you'll quickly find yourself without a job or worse. Tell strangers and you're on a short ride to fights, pariah status, etc.
> Tell coworkers what you think and you'll quickly find yourself without a job or worse. Tell strangers and you're on a short ride to fights, pariah status, etc.
> Confess to your boss your secret plans to start your own company. If you're having fantasies about your wife's sister, Blanton says to tell your wife and tell her sister. It's the only path to authentic relationships. It's the only way to smash through modernity's soul-deadening alienation. Oversharing? No such thing.
Yes. I know. One of the most idiotic ideas ever, right up there with Vanilla Coke and giving Phil Spector a gun permit. Deceit makes our world go round. Without lies, marriages would crumble, workers would be fired, egos would be shattered, governments would collapse.
And yet...maybe there's something to it. Especially for me...
When I get home, I keep the momentum going. I call a friend to say that I fantasize about his wife. (He says he likes my wife, too, and suggests a key party.)
I inform our twenty-seven-year-old nanny that "if my wife left me, I would ask you out on a date, because I think you are stunning."
I assume that, in your radical honesty, you also told your wife about how you fantasize about your friend's wife. I also assume that you honestly relayed the look on the nanny's face when you hit on her.
After all, there's nothing radical about being honest only when it's convenient.
Comments
Kind of an odd article, the writer spends the first part of it trying to come up with compliments, which usually fail.
Instead of manufacturing a compliment, just pay attention and realize what you think looks nice, what you like, or what you think is cool. Instead of holding back and not saying anything, which I think is what a lot of us do, tell them.
If the person has a funny shirt on and it brightens your day, say 'I really like your shirt.'
Instead of trying to compliment somebody, just try to appreciate them, and then relax enough to tell them what you appreciate.
A compliment you manufacture for the sake of giving a compliment will probably come across as stilted and fake.
Actually, according to Cialdini's Influence, complimenting works even when people understand that it is, in fact, flattery: "First, the evaluator who provided only praise was liked best by the men. Second, this was the case even though the men fully realized that the flatterer stood to gain from their liking him. Finally, unlike the other types of comments, pure praise did not have to be accurate to work. Positive comments produced just as much liking for the flatterer when they were untrue as when they were true." [1]
[1] Specifically, he cites Drachman et al. (1978) study.
It's because people translate any compliment as a more sophisticated way of saying "I like you".
So, does that mean you are worse off providing genuine feedback if it is negative, if it is in your best interest to just flatter someone with false goodiness?
If you are in sales, yes.
> Kind of an odd article, the writer spends the first part of it trying to come up with compliments, which usually fail.
Personally I thought that part was hilarious. I'm not sure whether it was true or not (due to how naive it made the author seem) but I definitely enjoyed the article more because of it.
If you try this same sort of thing yourself, I think you'll be surprised at how naive it makes you feel.
It's a very foreign feeling, stretching for compliments.
Maybe I'm just shy/lazy, but the part about the author issuing 1100 compliments in a week also strains belief.
I think you made a nice summary of the article and astute observations as to what to take away from it. Thanks.
(So... How was it? Did it make you feel good?)
It came off like comment spam a bit to me. "I really like your insights!" or "This blog is great, I'll come back again soon." I guess you won't be able to compliment everyone or the cynical, but it was a good attempt and I think you'll be a great complimenter soon.
I've found it's even better to look for things you like (as you say), and then not say anything about it.
They'll sense you're well-disposed towards them because you are well-disposed towards them. You'll also feel happier, having noticed something you like.
This. Exactly this.
It's why alcohol makes social stuff easier - lowered inhibitions.
Remember nothing bad will happen if you just tell people what you think. Especially if it's positive. I promise. It won't be weird.
In fact, I've gone so far as making this a daily habit: http://swizec.com/blog/can-you-pay-one-compliment-to-one-str...
How about, "I find your wife/daughter/mother really attractive?" Bad things can happen if you tell people what you think.
It's important to be precise when giving public social advice, because the people that could benefit from it the most don't know how to tease out hidden subtleties (that seem obvious to everyone else). If what you really mean is, "nothing bad will happen if you just tell people what you think and have at least roughly average social skills" you should just say the whole thing.
Check back with us in a dozen years and tell us how many relationships you have destroyed. Somewhere in Ecclesiastes is the verse "There is a time to speak, and a time to keep silent." I don't think you have to be devoted to the Bible to agree with that one.
Plenty of things can go wrong telling people what you think.
This brings to mind another great esquire article. http://www.esquire.com/features/honesty0707
It's a practice truly strange to tell people exactly how you feel or exactly what is on your mind; however, it definitely leads to some truly sincere compliments.
No no no no. Absolutely not. Not, especially if its positive. Generally, only if its positive. I'm a slightly cynical person, so if I told people everything I thought, I'd probably be out of friends by now.
I think that could be the cynicism talking.
Perhaps all of the people who now are your friends might no longer be you friends, but your new habit could've brought you new friends who respect you for your candor, even if it is slightly cynical.
I have one friend who tells everyone what she thinks with no apparent filter.
Besides me, she has maybe two or three other people who like her company.
Nor are her opinions that noxious--usually she just says out loud very blunt versions of what half of the people are thinking. But you can easily imagine personalities with an even lower batting average.
All my friends are like that with varying syntax. I'm unsure how to interprete that, except that I like it because they are honest.
I don't really believe there is a state of total honesty between people.
There is always the inner person with dirty habits and nasty thoughts that you don't expose to _anyone_ however drunk you are.
It's why alcohol makes social stuff easier - lowered inhibitions.
It is only an illusion that it is "easier". It makes you feel better simply because it removes the ability to recognize the negatives of your actions.
As to the advice that nothing bad will happen, that's dangerous advice. Tell coworkers what you think and you'll quickly find yourself without a job or worse. Tell strangers and you're on a short ride to fights, pariah status, etc.
> Tell coworkers what you think and you'll quickly find yourself without a job or worse. Tell strangers and you're on a short ride to fights, pariah status, etc.
Radical Honesty (kind of cultish)
http://www.esquire.com/features/honesty0707
> Confess to your boss your secret plans to start your own company. If you're having fantasies about your wife's sister, Blanton says to tell your wife and tell her sister. It's the only path to authentic relationships. It's the only way to smash through modernity's soul-deadening alienation. Oversharing? No such thing.
Yes. I know. One of the most idiotic ideas ever, right up there with Vanilla Coke and giving Phil Spector a gun permit. Deceit makes our world go round. Without lies, marriages would crumble, workers would be fired, egos would be shattered, governments would collapse.
And yet...maybe there's something to it. Especially for me...
When I get home, I keep the momentum going. I call a friend to say that I fantasize about his wife. (He says he likes my wife, too, and suggests a key party.)
I inform our twenty-seven-year-old nanny that "if my wife left me, I would ask you out on a date, because I think you are stunning."
She laughs. Nervously.
I assume that, in your radical honesty, you also told your wife about how you fantasize about your friend's wife. I also assume that you honestly relayed the look on the nanny's face when you hit on her.
After all, there's nothing radical about being honest only when it's convenient.
It's not very clear, but he's quoting from the article.
This frightens me, and I'm not sure why.
It disturbs me because it's quite selfish. It's okay to not immediately do what feels good like a child would.