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who took intense joy in little things like drinking Diet Coke through a straw to avoid cavities

I'm not the only one!

... but Diet Coke doesn't have sugar in it, so it shouldn't cause cavities, right? Did a joke just go over my head or am I missing something?

Diet coke has phosphoric acid which causes erosion of the enamel.

It's not the phosphoric acid, its the carbonation. Plain old carbonated water is acidic as well which can erode the teeth. That being said your saliva can repair the teeth. The current wisdom is don't drink solely acidic drinks and wait between acidic food/drink and teeth brushing.

Or chew gum with xylitol (It's actually natural birch sugar) that will heighten the PH level and kill germs.

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