I wish your title were "Obsessive Parents" or "Obsessive Immigrant Parents". I am Asian. I am an immigrant. I am a parent. I am also a son with Asian parent. But I was also a Professor at UCLA for nine years so I had met quite a few students with Asian parents, Jewish parents, Iranian parents, any kind of immigrant parents or just plain parents. My observation is that your predicament is not unique. Irrespective of race and culture, every parent tries to learn from their mistakes or try to compensate for their own limitation. The world is changing too fast for all of us. Parents might act like we know the answers, putting pressure and expectation on our kids. In realty, we are scare of the future just like everyone else. This is true for any parent, especially immigrant parents.
Is the process of "leaving the nest" different for immigrant families, or Asian families? My parents (who are not immigrants) stopped interfering by the time I was 26 or 27. They're still happy to offer an opinion about everything I do, but if I disagree with them, they don't make a big emotional deal about trying to change my mind. I have read that in Asian families, parents expect to retain their authority until they are elderly. Is this true? How does it play out in the US, where children often live far away?
It is not really a question of authority. I don't try to exert authority over my kids and I certainly did not grow up feeling that my parents have exerted control over me. On the other hand, Asian family (and perhaps true also with other immigrant family) tend to have a tighter social network by comparison so perhaps that could be mis-interpreted. The point of my original comment is that it is really more an issue of communication. Parents have a hard time understanding children as well. It is a two-way mirror.
I really appreciate your comment. For a while, I thought it was an Asian thing (never as an Immigrant thing); you logic makes sense. From personal experience all the things I labeled as "Asian" that's causing pressure, actually, in reality, can probably be associated with "Immigrant" instead.
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I wish your title were "Obsessive Parents" or "Obsessive Immigrant Parents". I am Asian. I am an immigrant. I am a parent. I am also a son with Asian parent. But I was also a Professor at UCLA for nine years so I had met quite a few students with Asian parents, Jewish parents, Iranian parents, any kind of immigrant parents or just plain parents. My observation is that your predicament is not unique. Irrespective of race and culture, every parent tries to learn from their mistakes or try to compensate for their own limitation. The world is changing too fast for all of us. Parents might act like we know the answers, putting pressure and expectation on our kids. In realty, we are scare of the future just like everyone else. This is true for any parent, especially immigrant parents.
Is the process of "leaving the nest" different for immigrant families, or Asian families? My parents (who are not immigrants) stopped interfering by the time I was 26 or 27. They're still happy to offer an opinion about everything I do, but if I disagree with them, they don't make a big emotional deal about trying to change my mind. I have read that in Asian families, parents expect to retain their authority until they are elderly. Is this true? How does it play out in the US, where children often live far away?
It is not really a question of authority. I don't try to exert authority over my kids and I certainly did not grow up feeling that my parents have exerted control over me. On the other hand, Asian family (and perhaps true also with other immigrant family) tend to have a tighter social network by comparison so perhaps that could be mis-interpreted. The point of my original comment is that it is really more an issue of communication. Parents have a hard time understanding children as well. It is a two-way mirror.
I really appreciate your comment. For a while, I thought it was an Asian thing (never as an Immigrant thing); you logic makes sense. From personal experience all the things I labeled as "Asian" that's causing pressure, actually, in reality, can probably be associated with "Immigrant" instead.