That's infinitely better than what you wrote before.
I think if you take a step back from your screen and look at the visual shape of what you just wrote, and the visual shape of the original story text, you can see how confusing the original looked just from that.
Did you write the first text in a hurry? With big things like announcing to HN, I would write one day, get friends to give brutal criticism, then submit the next day.
Comments
That's infinitely better than what you wrote before.
I think if you take a step back from your screen and look at the visual shape of what you just wrote, and the visual shape of the original story text, you can see how confusing the original looked just from that.
Did you write the first text in a hurry? With big things like announcing to HN, I would write one day, get friends to give brutal criticism, then submit the next day.