I went through the same thing you're describing, and I came to a very simple conclusion (in hindsite) that the other commenters haven't touched upon. I quietly suspect that I'm right, and it makes me sad that it feels like such a dirty secret.
When I was a kid, I loved coding. From the ages of 6-19 I didn't really want to do anything as much as hack on cool projects. The only thing that would make my life perfect — obviously — would be to get paid to code, so that I could do it all of the time and pay bills, too. I'd be the luckiest guy on earth.
So, why was I horribly sad (not depressed, btw - that's a disease which you don't bring upon yourself) as a professional developer at 25? I used to be so engaged, but then I could hardly concentrate on what I was doing, and it was very difficult to get started each day.
One day it hit me like a lightning bolt: the reason you do something impacts whether you can enjoy doing it or not. That's why being a prostitute is not generally considered the best job ever; I found that coding other people's ideas was like not getting to choose who, when or how to have sex.
For me, the solution was to gradually move out of coding day-to-day into a more pure consulting role while reintroducing lots of fun personal coding projects, which are mostly just as fun as I remembered from when I was a teenager. 8-9 years later, I simply don't take on paid coding projects.
As a corollary, I'm really into film photography and I flat out refuse to get paid to shoot, because I have no interest in difficult brides or screaming babies. I figure that I deserve a passion that isn't corrupted by my need to pay a mortgage. It's like an endless chain of discoveries and happy accidents that brings me mental calm and occasionally professional (consulting) opportunity.
I recently went to the Luminance photography conference in NYC, and during breaks I met as many people as I could. Every working photographer seemed stoic and anxious, and all of the aspiring photographers verbally differentiated between their "arty" work and the stuff they had to shoot in order to pay the bills. Not one of them thought that there was any hope of them having fans that would appreciate them the way a painter would. [Granted, painters often have patrons... but I digress.] I found it all quite sad.
Needless to say, I suggested that they all learn to code as a career so that they could take photos out of love. I said that if they needed to pay their bills with their camera, they would develop an increasingly abusive relationship with photography.
Don't worry about "coming back with a bang". You only live once, so stop hitting yourself.
"Get paid for your hobby, and you no longer have a hobby". If you have to do some task, you should do it, it stops being play; it stops being fun.
One thing I find undermining about HN is the focus on finding a market, getting users, meeting their needs. That's great for getting rich. For personal fulfilment, eagerness and passion, it's better to create something that you value, to improve or fix something that you feel is wrong, in your bones, that annoys you, drives you up the wall. You'll get cool ideas (and frustrations) just by interacting in the world, doing any new activity. And disregard whether anybody shares your opinion or not. (There likely are people with the same itch, since you have it, but disregard that). This is liberating, because you regain captaincy of your soul. If people follow you, it's because they share your vision, not because you worked at convincing them to follow you (which would mean you are controlled by their opinions, instead of your opinion of what is valuable). If people don't follow, you've still done something you value. (It's helpful to pick doable goals, or to divide your project up into doable goals, so you get the feedback/satisfaction of seeing your idea become real.)
But take this with a grain of salt. I've been having trouble with passion too and though I'm starting to get glimmers of it back through this approach, I can't yet claim I have "come back with a bang".
PS: Just in case you are literally "feeling tired of everything.", you might want to check in on basic health stuff - food/sleep/exercise - get a check-up from a doctor for any illness, and also see if you are suffering from depression. But I've assumed you just meant tired of everything, in programming.
Most scientific research on this topic agrees with the self-determination framework. That says that in order to enjoy doing an activity for a long time, you have to have:
1. Autonomy. The feeling of freedom and control over your work.
2. Mastery. The feeling that you're good at what you do and getting better.
3. Relatedness. The feeling that you're working with people you like.
When you're doing something on the side, you almost always have all of the above. When you start a job doing something, you almost always lose all of the above.
The real question is how to gain Autonomy, Mastery, and Relatedness at a job. It's not impossible by any means. But it does frame the question differently, since those 3 traits are often more critical to enjoying your day-to-day life than exactly which field you work in.
For a very good book that goes into much more detail, see So Good They Can't Ignore You by Cal Newport.
(I went through a very similar experience with losing interest in a field I loved because I "had to" do it. Working on gaining control over my career completely rekindled my love for the subject, stronger than ever).
I started learning to program in the 3rd grade. From there, it was a hobby. Come time for college, I decide I don't want to do that a job because I don't want to ruin my hobby.
Fast forward 10 years, and I finally decide I need a career, not a job. I look at my skills and decide that programming is the only one worth doing.
Turns out, I love programming more than ever now! It was absolutely a mistake for me to try to avoid it. I'm better at it than ever, and I can do more things than ever.
I still, sometimes, do it as a hobby. So in that respect, yes, it kind of killed my hobby. But I have that fun at work now, and I get to do other hobbies at home. It's a positive thing all around.
The key is that my job isn't the soul-sucking variety. I work in a positive atmosphere and (mostly) on projects that I enjoy. I'm valued, and my employers prove it by paying me what I'm worth as well as having great benefits.
Comments
I went through the same thing you're describing, and I came to a very simple conclusion (in hindsite) that the other commenters haven't touched upon. I quietly suspect that I'm right, and it makes me sad that it feels like such a dirty secret.
When I was a kid, I loved coding. From the ages of 6-19 I didn't really want to do anything as much as hack on cool projects. The only thing that would make my life perfect — obviously — would be to get paid to code, so that I could do it all of the time and pay bills, too. I'd be the luckiest guy on earth.
So, why was I horribly sad (not depressed, btw - that's a disease which you don't bring upon yourself) as a professional developer at 25? I used to be so engaged, but then I could hardly concentrate on what I was doing, and it was very difficult to get started each day.
One day it hit me like a lightning bolt: the reason you do something impacts whether you can enjoy doing it or not. That's why being a prostitute is not generally considered the best job ever; I found that coding other people's ideas was like not getting to choose who, when or how to have sex.
For me, the solution was to gradually move out of coding day-to-day into a more pure consulting role while reintroducing lots of fun personal coding projects, which are mostly just as fun as I remembered from when I was a teenager. 8-9 years later, I simply don't take on paid coding projects.
As a corollary, I'm really into film photography and I flat out refuse to get paid to shoot, because I have no interest in difficult brides or screaming babies. I figure that I deserve a passion that isn't corrupted by my need to pay a mortgage. It's like an endless chain of discoveries and happy accidents that brings me mental calm and occasionally professional (consulting) opportunity.
I recently went to the Luminance photography conference in NYC, and during breaks I met as many people as I could. Every working photographer seemed stoic and anxious, and all of the aspiring photographers verbally differentiated between their "arty" work and the stuff they had to shoot in order to pay the bills. Not one of them thought that there was any hope of them having fans that would appreciate them the way a painter would. [Granted, painters often have patrons... but I digress.] I found it all quite sad.
Needless to say, I suggested that they all learn to code as a career so that they could take photos out of love. I said that if they needed to pay their bills with their camera, they would develop an increasingly abusive relationship with photography.
Don't worry about "coming back with a bang". You only live once, so stop hitting yourself.
"Get paid for your hobby, and you no longer have a hobby". If you have to do some task, you should do it, it stops being play; it stops being fun.
One thing I find undermining about HN is the focus on finding a market, getting users, meeting their needs. That's great for getting rich. For personal fulfilment, eagerness and passion, it's better to create something that you value, to improve or fix something that you feel is wrong, in your bones, that annoys you, drives you up the wall. You'll get cool ideas (and frustrations) just by interacting in the world, doing any new activity. And disregard whether anybody shares your opinion or not. (There likely are people with the same itch, since you have it, but disregard that). This is liberating, because you regain captaincy of your soul. If people follow you, it's because they share your vision, not because you worked at convincing them to follow you (which would mean you are controlled by their opinions, instead of your opinion of what is valuable). If people don't follow, you've still done something you value. (It's helpful to pick doable goals, or to divide your project up into doable goals, so you get the feedback/satisfaction of seeing your idea become real.)
But take this with a grain of salt. I've been having trouble with passion too and though I'm starting to get glimmers of it back through this approach, I can't yet claim I have "come back with a bang".
PS: Just in case you are literally "feeling tired of everything.", you might want to check in on basic health stuff - food/sleep/exercise - get a check-up from a doctor for any illness, and also see if you are suffering from depression. But I've assumed you just meant tired of everything, in programming.
Most scientific research on this topic agrees with the self-determination framework. That says that in order to enjoy doing an activity for a long time, you have to have:
1. Autonomy. The feeling of freedom and control over your work.
2. Mastery. The feeling that you're good at what you do and getting better.
3. Relatedness. The feeling that you're working with people you like.
When you're doing something on the side, you almost always have all of the above. When you start a job doing something, you almost always lose all of the above.
The real question is how to gain Autonomy, Mastery, and Relatedness at a job. It's not impossible by any means. But it does frame the question differently, since those 3 traits are often more critical to enjoying your day-to-day life than exactly which field you work in.
For a very good book that goes into much more detail, see So Good They Can't Ignore You by Cal Newport.
(I went through a very similar experience with losing interest in a field I loved because I "had to" do it. Working on gaining control over my career completely rekindled my love for the subject, stronger than ever).
This.
From time to time, I say that 'the worst thing I've done was to turn a hobby into work'.
It it not strictly true, there are worse things I could be doing instead. But I have lost some of the that initial spark.
On the other hand, I'm exactly the opposite.
I started learning to program in the 3rd grade. From there, it was a hobby. Come time for college, I decide I don't want to do that a job because I don't want to ruin my hobby.
Fast forward 10 years, and I finally decide I need a career, not a job. I look at my skills and decide that programming is the only one worth doing.
Turns out, I love programming more than ever now! It was absolutely a mistake for me to try to avoid it. I'm better at it than ever, and I can do more things than ever.
I still, sometimes, do it as a hobby. So in that respect, yes, it kind of killed my hobby. But I have that fun at work now, and I get to do other hobbies at home. It's a positive thing all around.
The key is that my job isn't the soul-sucking variety. I work in a positive atmosphere and (mostly) on projects that I enjoy. I'm valued, and my employers prove it by paying me what I'm worth as well as having great benefits.
Prostitues usually can choose and refuse, who they will have sex with. Maybe you were one of those, who do not have such choice?