My pet model of anger is as a manifestation/symptom of (or mask for) fear[0].
Having encountered people who reinforced their arbitrary boundaries in various ways (including physical violence) strategically and obviously without anger, as well as people who are constantly letting off anger without apparent success in own boundary reinforcement, I find the fear model a better fit for anger than the boundary-setting model.
That said, the models could coexist, make sense for different situations and individuals, and provide their own ways of resolution.
1. The boundary-setting model provides letting off anger as a way to reinforce boundaries and avoid the situation from reoccurring. It can be a productive way of dealing with the situation, and I admit one I haven’t thought about as much prior to today.
2. The fear model provides “overcoming fear” as a way of evolving to prevent the discomfort from reoccurring. From the boundary-setting angle, this could mean adjusting boundaries. (Note that this is different from repressing anger.)
Either model may be more useful in specific contexts: you may want to learn to choose the second option with a loved one, a friend, or perhaps a colleague, but to reinforce boundaries with a random person in a situation where others may use the precedent to take advantage of you[1].
Then, there’s a whole host of situations where there is fear/boundary violation not concerning any person in particular (e.g., living in a crowded city, in a society with unfamiliar norms, neurological changes due to physical factors difficult or impossible to control, etc.) where I wouldn’t say the fear model/overcoming fear is always the best fit, but I would say the boundary model/letting off anger could mostly lead to poor and destructive outcomes for yourself and others around you, especially over long term.
[0] Where “fear” ought to be interpreted at least as widely and generically as “boundaries” and could range from “fear of personal harm” to “fear for social status” to “fear of unknown” and so on.
[1] I will note that in such a situation giving into anger may be a bad choice if you are not in a position to use it well intuitively; depending on an individual and the situation, cold response can be more useful. Once you are weighing this all, you are necessarily not being angry, so the ability to snap back into the state on demand can be a valuable skill.
Comments
My pet model of anger is as a manifestation/symptom of (or mask for) fear[0].
Having encountered people who reinforced their arbitrary boundaries in various ways (including physical violence) strategically and obviously without anger, as well as people who are constantly letting off anger without apparent success in own boundary reinforcement, I find the fear model a better fit for anger than the boundary-setting model.
That said, the models could coexist, make sense for different situations and individuals, and provide their own ways of resolution.
1. The boundary-setting model provides letting off anger as a way to reinforce boundaries and avoid the situation from reoccurring. It can be a productive way of dealing with the situation, and I admit one I haven’t thought about as much prior to today.
2. The fear model provides “overcoming fear” as a way of evolving to prevent the discomfort from reoccurring. From the boundary-setting angle, this could mean adjusting boundaries. (Note that this is different from repressing anger.)
Either model may be more useful in specific contexts: you may want to learn to choose the second option with a loved one, a friend, or perhaps a colleague, but to reinforce boundaries with a random person in a situation where others may use the precedent to take advantage of you[1].
Then, there’s a whole host of situations where there is fear/boundary violation not concerning any person in particular (e.g., living in a crowded city, in a society with unfamiliar norms, neurological changes due to physical factors difficult or impossible to control, etc.) where I wouldn’t say the fear model/overcoming fear is always the best fit, but I would say the boundary model/letting off anger could mostly lead to poor and destructive outcomes for yourself and others around you, especially over long term.
[0] Where “fear” ought to be interpreted at least as widely and generically as “boundaries” and could range from “fear of personal harm” to “fear for social status” to “fear of unknown” and so on.
[1] I will note that in such a situation giving into anger may be a bad choice if you are not in a position to use it well intuitively; depending on an individual and the situation, cold response can be more useful. Once you are weighing this all, you are necessarily not being angry, so the ability to snap back into the state on demand can be a valuable skill.