Thank you for your thorough response, I appreciate it. I know there's truth in that, in fact I don't doubt it.

Hopefully someone else will also read it if they stumble upon this thread, and find solace in it.

beat the averages

That's the thing, I don't care about doing that this time. I've always been fine putting the most amount of effort I doing it, and it gave me meaning. This time, I don't find any reason anymore for doing that, because whatever comes is simply dehumanizing from my point of view. Beating the averages would be simply to admit defeat, and I don't feel like doing it. I really like the idea of simply saying no to this, and the only way to do that is to "leave the premises". Cheers