But what if you don't want to let go of spite? What if spite, anger is a shield that protects you from seeing yourself properly?
All this conformity school, parents, fucked me up. I have this deep desire to appear normal. All my life, I've been trying to be normal, appear normal, learn what's required for normalness. Without spite, without anger of everything that fucked me up, of what it made me become means I cannot blame everyone for my problems any more. And I cannot deal with that.
From time to time, when I look myself in the mirror, the reflection asks "Does this look normal to you?" and have some sort of mini mental breakdown. Spite and anger is my shield, a deferred shield, I know. But really, I cannot handle myself in the mirror right now.
What if spite, anger is a shield that protects you from seeing yourself properly?
If you're using spite as a shield for something like this, then it makes sense that it would be a scary idea to get rid of that defense mechanism. If that truly helps you and doesn't hurt you, I imagine that might be okay.
But then you continue with the fact that you can't look at yourself in the mirror. That shows that this coping strategy may not be working as well as you think it is. Your mental baggage of your past might be doing more than just giving you anger/hatred toward those around you -- your inner hate might also be fueled by it.
I would suggest you seriously consider talking with a therapist about this. A good one will help you acknowledge your past and hopefully move past your dislike of yourself, but also won't say what happened to you is okay or make you forgive anyone.
means I cannot blame everyone for my problems any more
I once read that forgiveness is not a goal, but a possible side effect of healing. This really helped me put things in perspective. Basically, if you aren't at peace with yourself, blaming other people only goes so far. Once you have found stronger inner peace, forgiveness comes for free (or it doesn't, which is also okay).
more than that, what if you don't dislike who you are?
I grew up very poor, to the point of living in tents on the side of the river, living without electricity or water, etc (this is in the US).
fast forward 25+ years and I make more money than I could have ever fathomed. And yet, I still feel more comfortable living like I'm poor because the money is a security blanket. If left to my own devices could easily live off of 30k today, the only thing that stops me is my gf of 10+ years doesn't want to live like that. We've made compromises, one of them is we don't spend money willy-nilly without a strong justification.
You'll hear people talk about the tendencies of poor people who come into money and how they couldn't let it go, as if it's a negative thing. But you know what? fuck that, it's my strength.
I can't speak to your specific situation, I'm just commenting that I agree things that poor situations can sometimes give you strength and if not strength then maybe you as a person like who you are, don't feel the need to change because someone tells you to.
Comments
But what if you don't want to let go of spite? What if spite, anger is a shield that protects you from seeing yourself properly?
All this conformity school, parents, fucked me up. I have this deep desire to appear normal. All my life, I've been trying to be normal, appear normal, learn what's required for normalness. Without spite, without anger of everything that fucked me up, of what it made me become means I cannot blame everyone for my problems any more. And I cannot deal with that.
From time to time, when I look myself in the mirror, the reflection asks "Does this look normal to you?" and have some sort of mini mental breakdown. Spite and anger is my shield, a deferred shield, I know. But really, I cannot handle myself in the mirror right now.
If you're using spite as a shield for something like this, then it makes sense that it would be a scary idea to get rid of that defense mechanism. If that truly helps you and doesn't hurt you, I imagine that might be okay.
But then you continue with the fact that you can't look at yourself in the mirror. That shows that this coping strategy may not be working as well as you think it is. Your mental baggage of your past might be doing more than just giving you anger/hatred toward those around you -- your inner hate might also be fueled by it.
I would suggest you seriously consider talking with a therapist about this. A good one will help you acknowledge your past and hopefully move past your dislike of yourself, but also won't say what happened to you is okay or make you forgive anyone.
I once read that forgiveness is not a goal, but a possible side effect of healing. This really helped me put things in perspective. Basically, if you aren't at peace with yourself, blaming other people only goes so far. Once you have found stronger inner peace, forgiveness comes for free (or it doesn't, which is also okay).
more than that, what if you don't dislike who you are?
I grew up very poor, to the point of living in tents on the side of the river, living without electricity or water, etc (this is in the US).
fast forward 25+ years and I make more money than I could have ever fathomed. And yet, I still feel more comfortable living like I'm poor because the money is a security blanket. If left to my own devices could easily live off of 30k today, the only thing that stops me is my gf of 10+ years doesn't want to live like that. We've made compromises, one of them is we don't spend money willy-nilly without a strong justification.
You'll hear people talk about the tendencies of poor people who come into money and how they couldn't let it go, as if it's a negative thing. But you know what? fuck that, it's my strength.
I can't speak to your specific situation, I'm just commenting that I agree things that poor situations can sometimes give you strength and if not strength then maybe you as a person like who you are, don't feel the need to change because someone tells you to.