I brought it back to Apple after lots of phone calls and troubleshooting and Apple has now told me that something must have gotten messed up with the software. I am able to buy a new pair of AirPods if I would like to, or I can spend $250 for them to diagnose the issue (the price of a new set of AirPods).
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According to op's comment in another thread [1]
[1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37866470
Not allowed in EU. Software bugs shouldn't render such devices unusable. See my other comment.
Tho I just read it concerns someone in Denver, Colorado. Who previously worked at Apple.
That hardly seems like OPs issue