I can see the appeal, but I offer:

1. thickly cut doorstops of wholegrain crusty bread

2. apply very mature crunchy cheddar

3. cut banana, not mushed, is layered on top

4. a blanket of either ready-salted or salt and vinegar crips

5. and the killer blow, on the opposing slice of bread, thickly, oh so thickly spread marmite.