All this talk of "not showing need" is kinda disturbing given the pitch is that this is for work and home. If someone wants to be a super hard negotiator in a professional context, I have no comment on that, but being super reserved and not demonstrating need in the context of your spouse and kids is toxic and manipulative. "I don't need you, you must come to where I am, and where I am is the status quo. We're all rational adults here." is not a way to speak to people you have an explicitly emotional connection to (where your relationship involves what I like to call arationality, which is to say, irrationality without the pejorative connotation; not employing rationality in a context where rationality is inappropriate). "We're all predators who take advantage of the needy" is a poor outlook on life in general, but to treat people in your personal life that way is. Very concerning.
Codependency is real and you may not have experienced it but saying 'no' and giving yourself the freedom to not be needy when you negotiate - works for some people and it doesn't mean you are being toxic or manipulative or less caring - it just means you aren't always going to put the (often less than ideal) needs of the other ahead of what's best. Imagine being a parent who always caved into every desire of another - it's not always in their best interest - especially if they are not fully mature or have some other issues. Sure, if the other person is fully mature and more or less ideal then this is less of an issue.
I actually was in a terrible relationship with someone who I believe likely had NPD (IANAD. To establish I'm not making this up on the spot & provide more detail if you'd like to hear it, see this comment [1] from a year ago), and while it's true I did a bad job setting boundaries ("saying no"), the toxic manipulative tactics they used strongly remind me of the tactics in this document. They specifically told me I wasn't needed and wasn't helpful to them, multiple times every day, and when I would try to leave, they would tell me I was essential to them and that they would kill themselves if I left them. When I tried to erect boundaries, they would deliberately tear them down.
Establishing boundaries is healthy. Denying that you are in a relationship of mutual need is gaslighting. Establishing boundaries is about being honest about your needs and what you are able to provide in a relationship, and it requires making yourself vulnerable to someone; telling them where your tender spots are and asking that they not poke them. That is very much not what this document is about. This document is explicitly about denying people any possible leverage over you as a preemptive strike. Again, if it prescribed this behavior in the context of a sales negotiation, I'd have my thoughts on it, but I wouldn't comment on it. But it says, "go ahead and apply this idea literally everywhere," so I feel compelled to call that out for what it is.
May I ask if you have experienced a codependent relationship?
Comments
All this talk of "not showing need" is kinda disturbing given the pitch is that this is for work and home. If someone wants to be a super hard negotiator in a professional context, I have no comment on that, but being super reserved and not demonstrating need in the context of your spouse and kids is toxic and manipulative. "I don't need you, you must come to where I am, and where I am is the status quo. We're all rational adults here." is not a way to speak to people you have an explicitly emotional connection to (where your relationship involves what I like to call arationality, which is to say, irrationality without the pejorative connotation; not employing rationality in a context where rationality is inappropriate). "We're all predators who take advantage of the needy" is a poor outlook on life in general, but to treat people in your personal life that way is. Very concerning.
Codependency is real and you may not have experienced it but saying 'no' and giving yourself the freedom to not be needy when you negotiate - works for some people and it doesn't mean you are being toxic or manipulative or less caring - it just means you aren't always going to put the (often less than ideal) needs of the other ahead of what's best. Imagine being a parent who always caved into every desire of another - it's not always in their best interest - especially if they are not fully mature or have some other issues. Sure, if the other person is fully mature and more or less ideal then this is less of an issue.
I actually was in a terrible relationship with someone who I believe likely had NPD (IANAD. To establish I'm not making this up on the spot & provide more detail if you'd like to hear it, see this comment [1] from a year ago), and while it's true I did a bad job setting boundaries ("saying no"), the toxic manipulative tactics they used strongly remind me of the tactics in this document. They specifically told me I wasn't needed and wasn't helpful to them, multiple times every day, and when I would try to leave, they would tell me I was essential to them and that they would kill themselves if I left them. When I tried to erect boundaries, they would deliberately tear them down.
Establishing boundaries is healthy. Denying that you are in a relationship of mutual need is gaslighting. Establishing boundaries is about being honest about your needs and what you are able to provide in a relationship, and it requires making yourself vulnerable to someone; telling them where your tender spots are and asking that they not poke them. That is very much not what this document is about. This document is explicitly about denying people any possible leverage over you as a preemptive strike. Again, if it prescribed this behavior in the context of a sales negotiation, I'd have my thoughts on it, but I wouldn't comment on it. But it says, "go ahead and apply this idea literally everywhere," so I feel compelled to call that out for what it is.
May I ask if you have experienced a codependent relationship?
[1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29781678