>PHP continues along the path of adding "features" randomly and without even understanding the purpose behind the feature, and so you get half-features that kinda work and don't really solve any problem in the context of PHP, but were just added so they could check off "some feature we don't understand" on the feature list.

This is not how features get added to PHP. Please spend some time on the PHP mailing list if you would like to know how it works.