I did get an MRI, but nothing stood out and I have not sought the opinion of another.
I think that my issue is not my brain, but my mind. Of what little I know of the brain, I am a strong believer in the importance of the environment and 'neurons that fire together wire together'. Which leads me to the belief that normal people must spend a lot of time replaying events after they happened in their mind, which is something I cannot do. Can I remember I met Bob and we talked? Yes. Can I remember any details of what we talked about? No. I cannot replay a conversation in my head whatsoever. If you and I talked about programming, I would forget everything you said but might remember you mentioned a cool library, but I will forget its name.
I have to admit, I just get depressed when I start to take notes. I feel like these are basic things I am supposed to remember, and I tell myself I can remember them, and I should, and I just need to put the effort in. If I have a meeting, I take bullet point notes because I cannot write quickly, and after getting in front of a computer I try to recreate as much as I can from the bullet points. If my boss tells me to do something, I have to hope it is in written communication so I can refer back to it completely. I am basically making every excuse to not take the small steps like proper note-taking and doing Anki to stay sharp and generally just do not wish to think about myself.
When I do take notes, I notice I have a deep seated fear to read them again. Something about reading my own writing revolts me.
I'm not a doctor but you might also consider therapy/cognitive behavioral therapy.
That feeling of depression you get when trying to do the bare minimum to help your memory sounds similar to myself w/ note taking. You may also consider getting a buddy/mentor that can help encourage you and make you feel less bad about making progress on yourself.
The more you talk about this the more similar it sounds to my own issues, so all I can say is don't beat yourself up. I have a hard time establishing new routines and holding myself accountable to things like personal maintenance work (like re-reading notes), but I do keep trying, and so should you :)
Also sometimes I just decide, nah, if I can't keep it in working memory it's not important and move on. I've definitely lost friends because of this, but what's the point of maintaining that relationship if I literally can't.
As a slight tangent, I'm curious if you feel a strong aversion to recording your own voice/recording a scripted video of yourself? I recently found out that I get paralyzed with dread when I have to record myself - it's quite hard for me to speak when not speaking to an audience and from my stream of consciousness. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
How are you so sure other people are so good at remembering things without notes? ;)
Maybe other people are more open to bullshitting, working with incomplete information.
We sound like we have similar “instantaneous” approaches to life (though mine does not sound nearly as intense). Some of the other commenters have said interesting things that could be helpful.
My point here is only that some part of the magnitude of your symptoms could be accounted for by differences other than deficiencies in your cognitive ability. Like one way this would be easy to do would be to have an inflated sense of other people’s capabilities. Interesting post, I appreciate you sharing this and I wish you all the best.
E.g. I don’t expect you to remember a word of this comment, nor would I expect that of anybody. By tomorrow, my best hope is that your reading it the day prior has integrated itself in some tiny way into your understanding of yourself. You won’t remember me. Cheers
Comments
I did get an MRI, but nothing stood out and I have not sought the opinion of another.
I think that my issue is not my brain, but my mind. Of what little I know of the brain, I am a strong believer in the importance of the environment and 'neurons that fire together wire together'. Which leads me to the belief that normal people must spend a lot of time replaying events after they happened in their mind, which is something I cannot do. Can I remember I met Bob and we talked? Yes. Can I remember any details of what we talked about? No. I cannot replay a conversation in my head whatsoever. If you and I talked about programming, I would forget everything you said but might remember you mentioned a cool library, but I will forget its name.
I have to admit, I just get depressed when I start to take notes. I feel like these are basic things I am supposed to remember, and I tell myself I can remember them, and I should, and I just need to put the effort in. If I have a meeting, I take bullet point notes because I cannot write quickly, and after getting in front of a computer I try to recreate as much as I can from the bullet points. If my boss tells me to do something, I have to hope it is in written communication so I can refer back to it completely. I am basically making every excuse to not take the small steps like proper note-taking and doing Anki to stay sharp and generally just do not wish to think about myself.
When I do take notes, I notice I have a deep seated fear to read them again. Something about reading my own writing revolts me.
I'm not a doctor but you might also consider therapy/cognitive behavioral therapy.
That feeling of depression you get when trying to do the bare minimum to help your memory sounds similar to myself w/ note taking. You may also consider getting a buddy/mentor that can help encourage you and make you feel less bad about making progress on yourself.
The more you talk about this the more similar it sounds to my own issues, so all I can say is don't beat yourself up. I have a hard time establishing new routines and holding myself accountable to things like personal maintenance work (like re-reading notes), but I do keep trying, and so should you :)
Also sometimes I just decide, nah, if I can't keep it in working memory it's not important and move on. I've definitely lost friends because of this, but what's the point of maintaining that relationship if I literally can't.
As a slight tangent, I'm curious if you feel a strong aversion to recording your own voice/recording a scripted video of yourself? I recently found out that I get paralyzed with dread when I have to record myself - it's quite hard for me to speak when not speaking to an audience and from my stream of consciousness. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
How are you so sure other people are so good at remembering things without notes? ;)
Maybe other people are more open to bullshitting, working with incomplete information.
We sound like we have similar “instantaneous” approaches to life (though mine does not sound nearly as intense). Some of the other commenters have said interesting things that could be helpful.
My point here is only that some part of the magnitude of your symptoms could be accounted for by differences other than deficiencies in your cognitive ability. Like one way this would be easy to do would be to have an inflated sense of other people’s capabilities. Interesting post, I appreciate you sharing this and I wish you all the best.
E.g. I don’t expect you to remember a word of this comment, nor would I expect that of anybody. By tomorrow, my best hope is that your reading it the day prior has integrated itself in some tiny way into your understanding of yourself. You won’t remember me. Cheers
Carry a mini tape recorder and tape everything. Then play it back to yourself later.