My honest advice is to accept how you feel, and let it be.

You may feel like you should suffer more, or wish you could suffer less at different points in time.

In particular, your situation sounds to me like you've shut down that portion of your experience, until such time as you can take the chance to process - at least, your description matches my experience of doing that. Don't let anyone make you feel bad, you have your grief, and will process it your way.

If you want to talk to someone, or more in detail my email is in my bio.