I’ve known the feeling, of pressure to grieve, since I was a teen, and from The Blindboy Podcast I have some more words around it: solemnity (by its nature performative, and maybe there’s a social benefit but I don’t feel it). I see funeral gatherings as a celebration of the life of the deceased and all the relationships they has to bring this group together. Not very Midwestern US of me. Privately I am more-able to cry and grieve, but in public maybe I’m performing? I find being around people exhausting.
My dad drank himself to death a few years ago (well, over a lifetime) and after about a year The guilt of not reaching out to him more often finally faded. I mostly actively remember the good now, while acknowledging all the trauma.
If you don’t already have a mental-health counselor (disinterested third-party, a “helper” in Fred Rogers terminology) I recommend it, at least to offload all your thoughts and feelings so you don’t trouble your family or friends who can’t handle it or would rather not (as others have noted in other discussions, some people have family and friends who will gladly listen and support—-good for them! I’m not so lucky, as much of my family is also dealing with a lot of trauma and I’d rather have professional, not-entangled advice). You’re not alone.
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I’ve known the feeling, of pressure to grieve, since I was a teen, and from The Blindboy Podcast I have some more words around it: solemnity (by its nature performative, and maybe there’s a social benefit but I don’t feel it). I see funeral gatherings as a celebration of the life of the deceased and all the relationships they has to bring this group together. Not very Midwestern US of me. Privately I am more-able to cry and grieve, but in public maybe I’m performing? I find being around people exhausting.
My dad drank himself to death a few years ago (well, over a lifetime) and after about a year The guilt of not reaching out to him more often finally faded. I mostly actively remember the good now, while acknowledging all the trauma.
If you don’t already have a mental-health counselor (disinterested third-party, a “helper” in Fred Rogers terminology) I recommend it, at least to offload all your thoughts and feelings so you don’t trouble your family or friends who can’t handle it or would rather not (as others have noted in other discussions, some people have family and friends who will gladly listen and support—-good for them! I’m not so lucky, as much of my family is also dealing with a lot of trauma and I’d rather have professional, not-entangled advice). You’re not alone.