First, let me just say that I'm so sorry for your loss. Few things are likely to affect us as deeply over time as losing someone. You have my sympathy.
Like others will tell you, everyone grieves differently, and that applies to all aspects: timing, depth, breadth, mode — all of it.
There's no "right" way to grieve, and there's no "wrong" way to grieve.
It sounds like your own response is concerning to you, but it doesn't have to be.
In various crises in my own life I've followed a pattern that sounds similar to what you've described: I tend to hold my emotions at arms length, leaning heavily on my rational thinking to attempt to work through the immediate problem until the storm clears. I am usually very calm in the moment. That doesn't mean there no emotional response in the moment, but I tend to be a very slow burn on the emotional side.
What has helped me, and what I would encourage you to do, is find someone you can actually feel comfortable opening up to. Doesn't mean you need to dump everything all at once, but being able to have someone help walk through feelings over time can be tremendously helping in processing grief (and many other parts of life). If that's a friend, family member, or therapist, it's worth trying to find.
My guess is that eventually this acute crisis will pass, and the waves will find you. Having an outlet for that can be a lifesaver.
tl;dr — There's nothing wrong with you, but find someone to talk to so that you can work through the feelings when they arrive, which they will, in some way, at some time.
Comments
First, let me just say that I'm so sorry for your loss. Few things are likely to affect us as deeply over time as losing someone. You have my sympathy.
Like others will tell you, everyone grieves differently, and that applies to all aspects: timing, depth, breadth, mode — all of it.
There's no "right" way to grieve, and there's no "wrong" way to grieve.
It sounds like your own response is concerning to you, but it doesn't have to be.
In various crises in my own life I've followed a pattern that sounds similar to what you've described: I tend to hold my emotions at arms length, leaning heavily on my rational thinking to attempt to work through the immediate problem until the storm clears. I am usually very calm in the moment. That doesn't mean there no emotional response in the moment, but I tend to be a very slow burn on the emotional side.
What has helped me, and what I would encourage you to do, is find someone you can actually feel comfortable opening up to. Doesn't mean you need to dump everything all at once, but being able to have someone help walk through feelings over time can be tremendously helping in processing grief (and many other parts of life). If that's a friend, family member, or therapist, it's worth trying to find.
My guess is that eventually this acute crisis will pass, and the waves will find you. Having an outlet for that can be a lifesaver.
tl;dr — There's nothing wrong with you, but find someone to talk to so that you can work through the feelings when they arrive, which they will, in some way, at some time.