I've been in a similar position recently - uncle died from a quite sudden bout of MND, we were close.
When I found out I didn't cry, nor did I really feel anything. Just the absence of feeling. Oddly enough, when my cousin called to tell me, I hung up, told my partner (who was very sad), then I went outside and fixed the broken clothesline out back. My uncle was a very handy man, and I figured fixing something was a good homage to him.
I felt weird and guilty about not really having any emotions, but I genuinely didn't feel sad or really any different.
Then my family did a little memorial thing over Zoom (our country was in a hard lockdown). We each shared a bit about my uncle, and.... I fucking lost it. I've never cried in front of my family like that before. And then as quick as it came on, it left. Now when I think about him I do feel sad and I miss him; I think my lack of feeling was a bit of a defence mechanism, and I needed an appropriate venue to let it out.
A gentle suggestion: Maybe you're not feeling anything because you're making yourself and your (lack of) feelings the centre of this. Grieving isn't about feeling bad, it's about honouring the person you lost and your relationship with them. The end goal isn't to cry or feel awful, that's not some pinnacle you reach or checkbox you get to tick as "GRIEVING: DONE".
I'd try talking to a psychologist about it, and just have a good chat. Talk about how you're frustrated that you're not feeling sad or grieving, and how that's making you feel guilty. Talk about why you feel like you SHOULD feel heavy emotions, because this person meant so much to you. Then focus on the person, on the impact they had on you, on the things you love about them and the things you think they loved about you. Move the conversation to being about the person you lost, not your lack of emotion - realise that this isn't about you, it's about the person you lost and your relationship with them, which is gone now.
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I've been in a similar position recently - uncle died from a quite sudden bout of MND, we were close.
When I found out I didn't cry, nor did I really feel anything. Just the absence of feeling. Oddly enough, when my cousin called to tell me, I hung up, told my partner (who was very sad), then I went outside and fixed the broken clothesline out back. My uncle was a very handy man, and I figured fixing something was a good homage to him.
I felt weird and guilty about not really having any emotions, but I genuinely didn't feel sad or really any different.
Then my family did a little memorial thing over Zoom (our country was in a hard lockdown). We each shared a bit about my uncle, and.... I fucking lost it. I've never cried in front of my family like that before. And then as quick as it came on, it left. Now when I think about him I do feel sad and I miss him; I think my lack of feeling was a bit of a defence mechanism, and I needed an appropriate venue to let it out.
A gentle suggestion: Maybe you're not feeling anything because you're making yourself and your (lack of) feelings the centre of this. Grieving isn't about feeling bad, it's about honouring the person you lost and your relationship with them. The end goal isn't to cry or feel awful, that's not some pinnacle you reach or checkbox you get to tick as "GRIEVING: DONE".
I'd try talking to a psychologist about it, and just have a good chat. Talk about how you're frustrated that you're not feeling sad or grieving, and how that's making you feel guilty. Talk about why you feel like you SHOULD feel heavy emotions, because this person meant so much to you. Then focus on the person, on the impact they had on you, on the things you love about them and the things you think they loved about you. Move the conversation to being about the person you lost, not your lack of emotion - realise that this isn't about you, it's about the person you lost and your relationship with them, which is gone now.