"Asking to understand" is toxic and passive-aggressive.
What if the issue isn't a deficiency? What if it's a case of your employee understanding the problem better than you, and coming to a better solution?
Asking to understand is toxic if you're certain that there is something that needs correction. It's not toxic if you have an open mind and accept that the employee might have done the correct thing in a situation for reasons you don't yet understand.
The toxicity lies in the effect it has on the employee. The employee does not know what is going on in the manager's head. That's the point. The manager may be looking to find fault or may have an open mind, but the employee is not a mind reader so the effect is the same.
Sure, it totally depends on the relationship with the employee. And if the manager typically uses asking to understand in a toxic way, then future attempts will be tainted.
But if you have a history of asking: "Hey, I'm curious about X? Why did you do that?" and you have a history of 25% of the time responding to their answer: "Oh! Cool! Great idea, I didn't think of that" and 75% of the time responding: "Ah, gotcha. I might've reframed it this way because of Y", then you'll have that trust.
The employee isn't a mind reader, but they are a behavior reader.
And if you really are asking with an open mind each time, then your past behavior will reflect that.
Comments
What if the issue isn't a deficiency? What if it's a case of your employee understanding the problem better than you, and coming to a better solution?
Asking to understand is toxic if you're certain that there is something that needs correction. It's not toxic if you have an open mind and accept that the employee might have done the correct thing in a situation for reasons you don't yet understand.
The toxicity lies in the effect it has on the employee. The employee does not know what is going on in the manager's head. That's the point. The manager may be looking to find fault or may have an open mind, but the employee is not a mind reader so the effect is the same.
Sure, it totally depends on the relationship with the employee. And if the manager typically uses asking to understand in a toxic way, then future attempts will be tainted.
But if you have a history of asking: "Hey, I'm curious about X? Why did you do that?" and you have a history of 25% of the time responding to their answer: "Oh! Cool! Great idea, I didn't think of that" and 75% of the time responding: "Ah, gotcha. I might've reframed it this way because of Y", then you'll have that trust.
The employee isn't a mind reader, but they are a behavior reader.
And if you really are asking with an open mind each time, then your past behavior will reflect that.